Oh hey Thanksgiving…

November 3 2013_00264_f

I knew this doctorate would take a lot of time and I knew the blog would suffer.  This has been very true for the last two months.  But the good news is that the Murphys have still been living large and enjoying this fall to the fullest.  I just haven’t had time to write about it!

With the exception of a few weekends, I’ve been able to get most of my work done during the work week so I could really commit to spending time at TCU football games and with the family (not necessarily in that order).  I have two major papers and a final still to go for this semester, but I’m counting on the quiet days once the UTD students leave for Fall Break/Thanksgiving when we are still required to work to churn those out.  Thus I decided to get back in the practice of chronicling my life.

This semester has been a mental roller coaster of sorts.  I turned 35 a couple weeks ago.  Yep the big 35.  I no longer have to press the down arrow on the treadmill when I’m asked to put in my age.  35 is blinking at me and I just press enter.  It definitely feels a lot older than 34 already.  But not in a sad, “might as well get the cane out” way, but in a liberating, “maybe I’m figuring out this crazy life afterall” way.

I started my third fall at UTD and with that comes all the late nights and soul sucking activities otherwise known as Student Affairs.  I know I love it but 8 years at this and you begin to feel so OLD and TIRED as each new class of 18 year olds come running through the door.  The kids schedules are getting busier and they are just more aware of when Sean and I are both home or when we are engaging in a more tag team parenting approach which during the work week is about 100%.  I feel as though everything I do and plan just needs to be way more intentional even though if you had asked me before the semester started if that was possible, I would have said no.  Our calendar is hilarious and I’m of course way over committed.  Daisy troop co-leader, Mom 2 Mom co-leader, PTA volunteer, Room mom, chair of committees at work….I could go on and on.

Being involved and the leader of things used to make me happy and fulfilled, now it just leaves me feeling stressed.  I think there are those people that HAVE to have their influence in all the pieces that affect their lives and then there are those people that let guilt make them feel like they need to have their influence in all pieces that affects their lives.  This semester through a lot of reflection, I’m realizing I’m becoming the latter and I need to step back.  There really is so little time for outside interests when you are a working mom (or let’s be honest, a mom in general) that you must pick and choose.  I’ve been slowly learning what that means for me.  I cut out Junior League at the end of last year.  I didn’t rejoin a Theta alumni group when we moved to Plano.  I’m beginning to learn that even though you may WANT to do something and you really ENJOY doing something and best yet, you are GOOD at doing something, the answer does not always have to be YES.

November 3 2013_00203_f

Anyone who has known me for any length of times knows this is HUGE for me.  I’m not sure what it means for the places I’m already committed in my life.  I just know that instead of getting out of commitments in the future, I need to just say no from the get-go and knock out that guilt from the start.  I’m still trying to decide where my talents are most needed and where I get the most fulfillment.  This won’t be a quick process or one that ever ends.  The never ending part used to scare me, but now I find it kind of exciting.  Even if I decide to bail out of one organization I truly love right now, it doesn’t mean I can’t reconnect in a few years or even a few months.  I guess as you get older you begin to distance yourself from the idea of absolutes probably because you realize there really aren’t any in life.  There is always time to reinvent yourself and revisit those times in your life when you really felt alive.

Besides the continual battle of over-commitment, I feel like I’ve come a long way these past few months.  I’ve been back at work full-time for over 2 years now (hard to believe really) and I’ve finally been able to put the “should I have stayed working part-time/should I have tried to be a stay at home mom/should I be working full time” question to rest.  Everyone figures out their path and it took me almost 7 years to finally find peace with the idea that I love working and while I also love my kids so much, I don’t want to be with them all day everyday.  No guilt, just my path.  It has been the most liberating piece of the puzzle to say the least.  So now with my job, instead of wasting so much time wrestling with the idea of how I should balance work and my kids, I can now use that energy to look at what’s next in my career.  With the doctorate in progress, the next few years will be spent trying out some new things hopefully still at UTD.  I need new experiences and new challenges to get my resume ready to take the next step to a director and eventual dean level.  It’s exciting and something that I know I’m ready for.

November 3 2013_00273_f

Where did all this self-reflection come from you may be asking yourself.  Well, I was lucky enough to lead a book club over the summer at work talking about the Sheryl Sandberg book Lean In.  To say this book has helped change my life is probably an understatement.  I may or may not have a picture of Sheryl on my bulletin board at work.  Her principles in the book have really challenged me in the way I live every part of my life.  A lot of what I wrote above really all started swirling in my head when I read this book last Spring.  While I know she’s received a lot of criticism (in my opinion by mostly people who didn’t actually read her book), to me she awakened a part of me that has helped reinvigorate my career and the kind of person I want to be in life.  I want to be one that leans into whatever I am working on…thus, needing to streamline and pick the few things I am most passionate about.  Her thoughts on being a working mom really resonated with me and for the first time I could feel the guilt leaving the building.  I won’t give all the credit to Sheryl, because my awesome therapist Debra deserves a ton too.  I’m beyond thankful for all my support systems I have in my life whether they talk to me though books, prayers, a song, a great conversation over a cup of coffee, or just through a funny card or email.

I grew up thinking I would be the women who “had it all” – whatever that even means.  Through middle school, high school, college and my 20s, I felt like I achieved everything I wanted and was living the “I have it all” dream.  I think these past few years have been so challenging because I don’t think I could ever figure out how to get a new system that would continue to allow me to “have it all” after marriage and kids.  I’ve read a tons of books on this topic and none hit me like what Sheryl wrote.

“I have never met a woman, or man, who stated emphatically, “Yes, I have it                         all.’” Because no matter what any of us has—and how grateful we are for what                       we have—no one has it all.”
― Sheryl SandbergLean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

Sheryl is clear that no one can have it all.  She talks about how we can spend all our time worried that we aren’t doing enough at work and then come home and worry we aren’t doing enough for our family/kids.  We end up just feeling like we are continually coming up short, that we aren’t good at any part of our lives.  [Cue feeling like you just want to run away from it all and start over somewhere else.]  When I read that, I felt like she was talking directly to me.  I’ve lived the last 6 years with expectations that I was failing as a mom and a career woman and everything in between.  I can look back now and see how exhausting and pointless that was.

I can’t promise that I won’t feel like a failure sometimes because I’m still my own worst critic, but I am learning to cut myself a lot more slack and know that it takes a village.  ”Done is better than perfect” is the mantra I say over and over again especially with my grad classes!

I also can’t promise that I won’t be on the verge of nervous breakdown every now and then.  Just pat me on the back and say, “Maybe its time to reread Lean In ?” and I’ll be just fine!

I’ve always heard that your 30s is about really figuring out who you are and I’m finally understanding why.

I think 35 is going to be a great year and I can’t wait to take another few rides on the roller coaster and see where I end up next.

October 2013_00183_f

This picture is pretty symbolic of my mantra Done is better than perfect.  Who cares that a little cute Bree finger entered into the picture of Sean and me.  It is still a great picture and has even more of a story with her finger also making an appearance.  It’s life and its beautiful even though its not following my exact script.

Oh and don’t worry, blogs and lots more pics of something other than me are in the works :)

About juco

The Murphy Clan is onto year 4 of this parenting adventure. We are happy to keep sharing some our proudest and silliest moments with all our family and friends. We hope you enjoy our new format!
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